Dear Arby’s,

This is going to be hard for both of us, so I’m just going to come right out with it: we can’t be friends anymore. I know, we go way back and it’s not that I don’t still love the occasional mountain of thinly-sliced roast beef buried in gooey melted cheese. No, it’s more serious than my changing diet habits. It’s that just don’t feel comfortable being seen with you anymore.

Once a proud bastion of awesomeness...

You’ve changed so much. I don’t even know who you are anymore. You used to be a quirky oddball doing your own thing. You used to represent Americana bravado. You had an air of “This is how we roll, take it or leave it” about you. Now, instead of leading the way, all you do is try to fit in. It’s all just making you come off like a poser. You know exactly what I’m talking about too.

Kaboomerang? Come on man, that’s not you! So who is this “Kaboomerang Guy?” This isn’t the guy everybody wants to be, he’s the guy everybody wants to punch in the face. Hard. He’s probably named “Todd” but refers to himself as “The Toddmeister” when reliving the glory days with his frat brothers. Seriously, are you paying this guy in Jäger shots?  I keep waiting for him to call “brah”…at which point you will owe me a new TV as my old one will have a shoe wedged in it.

I was willing to let the meh-tastic “I’m thinking Arby’s” thing slide, even the horrible “5.01 Value Menu” shenanigans, but I just can’t continue watching you destroy yourself. What happened to just embracing that all-American badassness that is roast beef? What happened to being proud of who you are?

Remember how it used to be? When totting an Arby’s bag meant something. It meant that you were a lone wolf, a renegade who charted their own way through life–you know, like the type of true-grit-having folks that make this country great. At a time like this, you decide to just turn your back on your fans…and America?!

I hope you can live with the consequences of your actions.

Maybe your efforts to water-down your once storied brand will help you turn your sales around. I don’t think I can wait that long.

Later, Brah.